Dear God, I haven’t really spoken to you much these past few weeks, no excuse, just overwhelmed with this condition of mine. I guess that is what it is. I know you are there, I know you are looking over me, looking out for me and I know that my gratitude has not lessened one single iota. I loved the weather on Sunday for the Marathon 10K. That felt like a gift. I put no thought or energy into it being otherwise, trust and faith walk hand in hand I guess.
But now I feel restless, what else can I say but admit to how I am. I feel restless. I don’t feel at all comfortable. And I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe a litany of my physicality but that’s only part of it. I feel like I have lost the plot. My Zane Grey film languishes and I have no clue as to how I can get that going again. My writing feels okay but not inspiring to me, maybe it is enough that others seem inspired. My photography has slowed to a stop but working on my Portfolio has been fun.
I look around me and am in awe at what I have created. I look to muy lovely Emily and know I am blessed. My friends are awesome.
This is a list of what? Maybe this is my life today that I am trying to share. I love words. I love writing. It seems to be the most cleansing process I know. With not being able to write freehand I am limited to the keyboard which ain’t too bad. But that is not what I wish to write God. The God of my understanding. What I wish, is a clear understanding, a conscious contact with the God of my understanding. I guess it is the use of words and what I see and sense in life that will give me that contact. I hunger for it. My belief system doesn’t have me praying or asking. I want a dialogue. A two way dialogue. I need to hear as much as I speak. Maybe that is the key. Step 11 of the 12 Steps of Al-Anon. Prayer and Meditation. I have never really know how to ask, or have I? Maybe I have done better than I have ever acknowledged. It’s the listening that I appear to have let slip. The meditation I used to love and practice. There it is, the key. As soon as I write that the truth comes to me.
Meditation aka Listening, is the key. Thank you God.
For how can I receive and answer if I don’t listen? Indeed.
The road before me, my journey, is windy and I have no idea where it goes or where it will lead me. I don’t need to know. Faith and Trust. I guess they are the ingredients of Hope. I guess. I tend to shy away from Hope believing it to be a false aspect of life without trust and faith. Maybe that is convoluted but it works for me today.
28June
2:10:51 PM
“I’ve come to view Morsi as knowledgeable, educated, God-fearing, and a people’s person who has lived through what ordinary Egyptians encounter daily.” this was part of a letter to Thomas L. Friedman in the New York Times today. His article, ‘The Fear Factor’ and there, in the comments, “God-fearing”.
A fear of God? Why? The God of my understanding does not have
me in fear. It’s an interesting dilemma for many people. The Church of Rome, aka Catholic Church, aka The World Church :) has people by their short and curly’s. Has them held by fear. False Evidence Appearing Real.
My dear lord God, there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. Or so I believe today. Ciao!
I can’t leave it there God. It needs more exploring. God. I do not fear the God of My Understanding, I have said that and so the question arises, what is my concept of this God I talk about? I will leave that for now, ponder on it overnight and maybe enlighten myself tomorrow. I bought an iPad version of the Hebrew Old Testament today, fancy that, for one who has never owned or read a Bible. Mmmm!
29 June 6:10:02 PM
I down loaded the Hebrew Bible, Old Testament, started reading an truly believed I was reading a child’s primer. I will persevere and see how I go. It does make me smile though.
30 June
12:16:18 PM
Whew! a challenging morning, had a plan which I could not start, managed to complete reading Paul Coehlo’s, The Pilgrimage.
Had me thinking quite hard as to my relationship to my beliefs and what they are based upon, or not. I come back to the concept of prayer and meditation. Asking for guidance appears as part and parcel of my daily life, listening or meditation, mmm, a bit of a challenge today as the sun shines. Okay, a bit of meditation completed. Sufficient unto the day :) And I am reminded of St Thomas or the Gospel according to Thomas, “God is within us and all around us”. It’s when I simply stop and listen, stop the voice in my head and be still, be it for a moment, an hour or a day, no matter. Practice, Practice, Practice. There is no explaining to be done, I can only live God, God is a verb I have heard. Action. Faith without good works is nothing. Just relax Richard, chill and enjoy the day, it’s all there is, Ciao!
2 July
9:55:39 AM
Today the reconstruction begins, both me :) and the bathroom :) I need to get back to my Pakeha & Pearl project and the bathroom is becoming wheelchair friendly. Both big steps in my MND evolution. Last night I watched a documentary on the Internet. An American with ALS, his life and challenges, it was inspiring. The struggles of an ordinary bloke to live a good life. The love and support which surrounds him was awesome. The love and support which surounds me is awesome. Humanity in all it’s colors. I love it :)
6:01:26 PM
As for the God thing, I am going to stop talking about it, practice what I believe and live the best I can, simple really. Don’t think it, Just Do It! I did some Nike Ads for TV back in the last century and couldn’t quite buy the slogan, now . . . Just Do It!
The moon is up, not quite full, but truly beautiful, life! Ciao :)
