7th June

7:26:06pm

. . . it cannot go on like this where I sit all day and do nothing, can it?

I have no idea, I write, work on my photographs but often, like right now, don’t feel as though I have accomplished a great deal. I could be wrong. I was once. But seriously, rain falls, the fire roars, I sit, the cat sleeps while the dog barks. Cabin fever. What to do? I have eaten, am waiting for my photographs of Wellington to load onto my ViewBook site. I scour the internet, answer emails and  . . . allow myself to get frustrated.

I have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself. I have a very good albeit challenging life. Come on Richard, do you have a good life or are you simply not into reality of your situation, ah Merde!

8th June

7:57pm

Today I am fucked. I woke early with a full day planned and I guess that played on my mind and I crashed, gobbled down a small amount of food and went back to bed and onto my breathing device for a couple of hours. It helped. With that in mind we changed the plans for the day. One of the great things in life is that i do not need to stick to Plan A. We reduced the day to focus on my racing wheel chair which we needed to collect from the sponsor, A1 WheelChairs in Palmerston North. And so we drove. Normally I love driving. Today I have no car. Sold it last weekend. My last car. Kind of hard to accept that now I depend on others to get me from A to B. No more can I roam where my instincts and curiosity draw me. In that regard I also guess it’s time to sell my film and photographic gear. The pleasure of exploration and image making have gone. That is how I ‘feel’ today :) That is my reality, today.

And so we drove. Rain, clouds, rays of light, glorious. But not enough to ask  muy lovely Emily to pull over so I could snap away. I simply observed. And enjoyed. Sad but true. We drove on, stopping for a bite to eat and a visit to Helmut’s Art gallery in Woodville. Artmosphere. It was great to catch up and talk photography though I have no idea if he remembered me or not. No matter. We chatted and I asked for feedback on my ViewBook site. I love his gallery. Eclectic. Passionate, full of good art. Unfortunately he is selling the building and moving north to the Hawke’s Bay area, to Waipawa. I enjoy his Gallery because of the quality of the work. He is very selective and it shows  in the level of artists and of sales, especially to visitors from overseas. So many Galleries i visit set their standards too low or maybe the owners simply have poor, or no taste in Art appreciation and settle for a low common denominator. Maybe.

Lunch was a disaster for a couple of reasons, to sit and watch young country couples with children eating crap fast food fills me with sadness. This is what the children learn, this is what the children become. Maybe! I can observe and write, but I have learned to bring the focus back to myself. As kids, growing up in New Zealand we ate much home grown food, to eat out was pretty much unheard of, Fish and Chips on a Friday night were a big deal. A treat. The children of today have their own challenges as I had mine. I can be supportive and that’s it. Period. Then out of town and through the Manawatu Gorge. I first drove through there some 62 years ago when the family moved from Wellington to Napier. Traffic was slow, but not slow enough to stop the speeders from overtaking. The gorge suffered a major landslide a few months ago and it is now a major work in progress. Traffic down to one lane. that crimped the style of the bloody road racers. Fielding is where we were headed. Roots Road East Fielding. That was the supplied address. The punctuation had us looking for Fielding East when, in reality, it was Root Road East. And on Root Road, East does not meet West. There is a creek separating the two. And no bridge for miles. It took an hour of looking but we finally found it and collected my racing style wheelchair for the Wellington marathon in a few weeks. Now that, is going to be exciting :) My first road race back in New Zealand since my last one at age 21. This time I will have a team of pushers led by muy lovely Emily and the Wellington MND Association led by David and Moira. I am looking forward to it. A small challenge but a challenge nevertheless.

And now back home, in front of the fire, Kiri the dog snoring on the floor, Amigo the cat curled on the footstool, muy lovely Emily working with her photography as a lamb casserole does a slow cook for lunch tomorrow. Children and grandchildren day. So looking forward to catching up. My mobility and lack of energy prevents me spending time visiting them. Tomorrow it will be a glorious day.

And so, time for bed, an early night, to read then sleep and dream, aaah :) Ciao!

Sunday

10 June

6:16pm

I was going to pos this on y Blog. Decided to keep going, to describe this day. Last night bed was an early exit from the day. I was on my BiPap machine and in bliss from some serious loving :) Early, like 4am, next morning I woke to the most amazing sight. A 3/4 Moon glowing powerfully in the bedroom window. It felt like the moon was the window. I was in total awe and total gratitude for such a beautiful experience. It had me totally in it’s power. I lay awake. I was truly mesmerized. It was the framing that got me, the position of the Moon meant I did not have to move one inch. There it was in all it’s golden reflected glory. I spoke to Go*d. I said “thank you”, possibly more than once. Pure magic. Glorious. Spiritual and Soulful. I simply lay and let it wash over me and then drifted back to sleep to dream. Which I did. I dreamed of fishing, a light rod and line, on a lake shore I guess. I was not alone. I caught the biggest Butter Fish I have ever seen. The next part of the dream was the gutting and cutting up this great catch. In New Zealand it is also called Green Bone. They actually have green bones, they are fun to hunt and are a great eating fish.

http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/1966/butterfish/1

Quite a night.

Today was such a contrast to yesterday. Emily’s daughter, jesse, her partner, Jirge and their beautiful twins, Mia and Phoebe. Fun and sunny.

Now it’s time for me to finish and close up the Studio, time to eat and maybe, just maybe, another early night. As for the Moon :) I am powerless over the sun, the moon and the stars, just as I am powerless over my own condition today. Ciao :)