Bad Day at Black Rock was the movie we watched last night. A great film, one of my favorites I have been trying to find for years. Spencer Tracy at his best. Today I feel as though it’s my turn to have a bad day. I am cold, my arm won’t work, I can’t edit and trying to work on my photographs has proven too frustrating and so made a cup of tea and shared lunch with muy loverly Emily.
I am angry, frustrated, sad, a combination of all the above. I originally wrote “ Am I”.
The good news to balance the bad is that I can write and am. This is not easy for me. I hate being sick. I have always got over illness or accidents but this time it doesn’t appear that I am going to escape the hangman’s noose. Woah, that’s a bit dramatic, but if I don’t keep my sense of humor I have nothing to hang my life on. Driving to Wellington this afternoon to be with muy Emily as she deals with her cancer and visits a Dr who, I hope to hell is more on the ball than the dick head in masterton who didn’t pay attention to what he saw over 2 years ago. I feel like having him de-registered. Fucking Arsehole!
And here I sit, tapping the keyboard, allowing the universe to speak to me via my fingers and not my head. My head has gotten me into so much trouble in my life. Time to turn it off and allow the God of my understanding to talk to me. And me to listen. And there we are, the God of my understanding, the most intimate, most powerful relationship I have enjoyed all my life. This God has spoken to me over the years and I have listened. This God does not reside in my head, rather this God is my intuition, my gut feeling. And when the message comes to me from that place from within I listen for me that is the truth. It’s when my head is full of thoughts and whirling conflicting ideas and obsessive message, then I am in trouble and need to pay attention by sitting still, taking a big breath and relaxing, listening to my intuition.
It has come to me at the most unlikely times, when editing, photographing, writing. Yep, I could say, actually I will say, it has served me well. It has given me much and continues to do so.
The God of my understanding.
It’s an interesting phrase. I don’t believe in institutionalized religions or any religion I guess. The concept of Jesus Christ being the only son of God is strange to me. There have been many men and women over the years who have guided me, inspired me, enlightened me. So to believe there to be one single person and only one, nope, can’t go there. My God is a God of forgiveness and understanding, a God of strength and guidance, certainly not one of punishment. I punish myself enough without needing help from some created entity.
Directly in front of me, as I look up and out the window, is the end of our clothes line. A crucifix, a cross, whatever. At the other end of the garden is another one and between are 4 lines for hanging clothes to dry. On the lines today are pegs of a multitudinous colors. While predominantly yellow, pink and green are included. A technicolor coat I could say. Religious icons have struck me and stuck with me from a childhood of attending Sunday school and then Sunday services. Icons of saints with halos. Icons of crosses with Jesus crucified. Mary, Joseph, etc, etc,. Painful at worst. Miserable at best. The remainder of my view out the window is of sun light striking the garden and the trees that cover the hills. A warmth that I need today. A cold chilling breeze blows and freezes me deep in my core. The sun is my resurrection I guess. Sun the Moon and the Stars. The holy trinity of pre-christian times. Pagan times. And to mention that as a child was to be considered blasphemous, yeah right. Pagans, Jews, pre-Christian beliefs, images, philosophies make perfect sense to me today. They appear as the basics for Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 Step programs. Which is why I feel totally comfortable with a concept of Spirituality.
The Spirituality of Imperfection. The practice of and a living spirit which is who I am. This gives me great solace and strength in times such as these. I am powerless over people places and things. I am powerless. Period. Surrender is a great concept, Letting go and Letting the God of my understanding provide me with the courage and strength to live my life the best I can. Keeping the focus on myself and not trying to control of fix others. Whew! What a relief.
Writing as I am keeps the focus on my fingers attempting to make words and sentences that inform, communicate and entertain others. At least I hope that is what it represents. For that is the whole purpose of life, is it not, not to get the most toys before I die but to be of service to others, in all I do.
As I look around me at all the stuff I have I smile, how does it serve me today? Not at all. It’s more of a bloody hindrance. Keep it Simple is my mantra, along with How Important is it and First things First. All wisdom of the Ancients. Passed down through the ages and as relevant today as ever. I love it. The further I go the less I know. The Ancients had it far simpler as far as I can tell. It may not be true but it does appear that way. I am an imperfect human being struggling through the day, today. Yesterday was fine, tomorrow? Who knows, not me, that’s for sure.There is a beauty in that that I can’t quite capture in words but, for me, it’s true.
I am about written out for now, maybe I will go back and do an edit of what I have tapped, maybe not. Keep it Simple Richard :)
Richard, I love your subject matter and what you are writing about, we have much in common including an appreciation of Julian’s photography to say the least, what an incredibly uplifting gift he is to photography.
I hope to be in Wellington, possibly prior Xmas and we may be able to catch up whilst there?.
Best wishes
Tom Elliott