I got stuck on the toilet today. My arms and legs would not support my weight. Managed to text my carer. This disease has me in its darkest grip. I am now afraid to go to the bathroom alone. This is a new development. A challenge I need to pay attention to. I can only imagine someone who is totally unable to help themselves in any manner. Paralysed. It is beyond my imagination. I simply cannot see the point of continuing living if this is the outcome. Dignity denied? It’s a challenging concept. One I have no answer for today.
Open my heart to the Universe. This helps me, guides me. Turns Fear to Faith. It takes work. Practice. God is a Verb. But, that is just me.
My dog Kiri as in Kiri te Kanawa can’t get up on her Sofa without help. Kiri wobbles as she walks, is on heart and pain killer pills and still she smiles. And is a great guard dog after 15+ years. What’s that, 15 X 7 = 105! Amazing. Life is simply relative. Some up! Some down! An attitude of gratitude!
Opened my heart to the Universe this morning as I lay in bed. Apart from the fact that I was breathing I felt I was in paradise. Dead, Alive? Didn’t matter. Why has it taken so long to become aware of the power and peace that exists when I simply surrender to a power greater than myself? The Universe is there to help. The lessons of life I guess, they just keep on coming. It fascinates me that Man goes out into the Universe looking for answers rather than allowing the Universe to come to Man. But then I need to ask that of myself. As I am :)
A palliative nurse just visited. Great lady. Of Maori heritage, from Tolaga Bay up toward East Cape. My fav part of Aotearoa. I have loved the East Coast of the North Island since I was a child. It has a primitive beauty which I prefer to the more populous regions.
Showered, dressed, lunch, sun beaming, sky crystal clear. Paradise. A friend visiting. Geoff W. Time to sit in the garden :) Golf on TV. Australian Open in Sydney. Just wrote a letter of thanks and gratitude to all friends and then . . . It disappeared. Merde! No energy to rewrite.
Saturday morning and I am wiped. I feel bad for my carers when I cannot contribute to moving my body. I did not want to get out of bed today. Reality check Dickey. You are 70 years old. You have Motor Neuron Disease. Period. Today? I simply want to close my eyes. The sun alongside the wind dances energetically through our garden. Life happens. Death comes to all of us. Be that as it may.
My life coils behind my chair. I face my TV, a bourgeois man alone in my home and I am afraid to turn around. —Mark DeFoe, from “Jan. 27, 1979.”
Bad news in our small village today. Reports of teenage girls openly drinking and drunk in a no drink zone. Teenagers doing burn outs in the Cemetery. Four young men arrested. Kids abusing the elderly. Where does it end? Where does it begin?
In a ‘community’ the size of Featherston we certainly appear to have poor parenting & policing skills. The mothers & partners need naming on a community board. PC’ness appears to be destroying our society. These kids aka prats appear to be angry, frustrated, lost aka misguided souls. Reflections of their parents. They express that they are bored. Dudes, I hate to say but look in the mirror . . . You are boring. Get real, get a life, embrace your frustrated energy and become a contribution. It’s entirely possible. Just Do It! Apply to the Community Centre for help. What you do today will echo throughout your life. I speak from my own experience as a teenager. I mowed lawns, delivered milk & newspapers, rode my bike 6 miles to hand milk cows. I baby sat local kids and also worked in an interior decorators shop wrapping parcels. I ran cross country from age 13 to 21, missed one Saturday in all those years. I ran the windy, tortuous 11.6km from the top of the local Remutakas to the Featherston Post Office in 32 minutes. I won awards as a pavement artist. I did not like school. My Father was a non contributor, a no show parent. My mother? Overwhelmed by 7 kids. My own efforts gave me a healthy work ethic that served me well from Sydney to New York to Hollywood and back to Aotearoa. I lived my dreams. With a healthy dose of fear to keep me on track :)
Shared stories are a very important part of a child’s education, a bridge from past experiences to future dreams. A child cannot do it alone. None of us can. As a teen I enjoyed great mentors. As an adult I have mentored. One of my greatest and most satisfying roles. Thanksgiving.
And now the Sun is bathing the garden.
Sunday . . .